


Put A Name To Someone Else's Sigh

by pirateygoodness



Category: Lost Girl
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-01-06
Updated: 2012-01-06
Packaged: 2017-10-29 01:04:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,325
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/314134
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pirateygoodness/pseuds/pirateygoodness
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>They go away, because Lauren can't stand the thought of staying.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Put A Name To Someone Else's Sigh

They go away, because Lauren can't stand the thought of staying.

That's not the story she tells Nadia, or the reasons that she gives Lachlan when she requests an audience with him and begs for a few weeks off. With him, she talks about helping Nadia adjust to being in the world after a five-year absence, and ignores the way he smiles like he doesn't believe a word she's saying. With Nadia, she talks about the two of them getting to know each other again, and taking a couple weeks to escape.

But really, it's that Bo is all over her apartment, all over her life, and she just - needs to go. Needs to focus on the fact that she's in love with Nadia, without running into Bo and seeing that look in her eyes, the one that says, _I thought you wanted to be with me._

So they go away.

In Bo's car, which can barely handle driving the speed limit, out to the cottage on the lake that she and Nadia used to rent. As they pull away, Lauren reaches for Nadia's hand across the gear shift, and forces herself to smile. Their fingers fit together the same way they always have, and it's been two days since Nadia woke up but Lauren still isn't used to the fact that she can touch her. Nadia squeezes her hand, like it's easy.

Emotion swells in Lauren's chest, as she thinks to herself, _I'm in love with Nadia. I haven't done anything wrong._  

*

It feels like too much pressure, sometimes.

After five years, nothing she ever dreamt about can come close to the way that she feels when she watches Nadia smile. It's like a gift; like watching her dreams come to life. When Nadia looks at her, Lauren remembers all the reasons that she's wonderful, and she knows that she's never loved anything more.

But then there are the times when Nadia's not around. When Lauren's alone, and she wonders how Bo's doing, and if Kenzi and Dyson really are keeping her out of trouble. She thinks about Bo's earnestness, her determination, and finds herself smiling despite herself, emotion - love - blooming inside her.

It's those times that make Lauren wonder. Maybe she's spent so long dreaming, that reality can never match up.

 _I'm in love with Nadia_ , she always thinks to herself, chasing those thoughts away. _I haven't done anything wrong._

*

They make it to the cottage, eventually. Bo's car starts to make concerning noises once they get above seventy-five, but the highway traffic is slow enough that it doesn't matter, anyway.

Halfway there, Lauren catches Nadia staring.

"Is everything okay?" she asks, eyes flicking away from the road.

"Yeah."

Nadia sounds distracted. Lauren decides not to press the matter until they've gone a bit farther, and the feeling of Nadia's eyes on her starts to make her nervous. When she can't stand it anymore, she says, "You're staring."

Nadia laughs. It's been so long since Lauren heard the sound of it, and she can't believe that just last week, she wasn't sure if she ever would again. Her heart flutters, and she just needs to turn away from the road one more time, to memorize a little more of Nadia's face.

"Sorry," Nadia says. "I was just noticing - you got older."

"Thanks."

"Just a bit. In your hands, and around your eyes. I like it." Lauren doesn't know what to say. There's a long, heavy silence between them as they drive a little longer. "It really has been five years," Nadia finally says, softly.

Lauren feels her throat tighten, and blinks furiously to stop the road from blurring. It really has. She's been working hard to protect Nadia from the weight of it, to brush aside how difficult it was being lonely and uncertain for so long, without her. "Yeah, it has."

Nadia runs her hand along Lauren's arm, across her shoulder, letting it rest on the back of her neck at the slope of her trapezius. It's almost too much, of everything - the casual intimacy she's missed for so long, the smell of Nadia's hair, that bittersweet feeling in her chest, full of five hard years and more love for Nadia - her beautiful, brave, kind Nadia - than she ever thought possible. It's all Lauren can do to keep her eyes on the road.

They pull off the highway, starting the drive through back roads that lead to the lake. They stop at a small-town grocery store for supplies, and Nadia stays close the whole time, making jokes and pretending she recognizes products she's never seen before, like things are normal. Eventually, Lauren starts to feel better. More like an actual person, the kind who goes for a quiet week away just because, and less like she's running away from her life.

By the time they walk across the parking lot for coffee, Lauren is smiling. The girl at the cash register smiles back at the two of them, and asks Lauren if she's getting anything for her girlfriend, too.

She hasn't heard the word said like that - casually, and about her - in too long. She looks at Nadia, feeling herself blush, and she doesn't think she's ever felt happier. _I'm in love with Nadia_ , she thinks to herself.

(And, a little bit, _I haven't done anything wrong._ )

Before they get in the car, Lauren kisses Nadia against the passenger side door, just because she can.

They pull over on a side road a few kilometers later, and Lauren drags Nadia into the backseat. She whispers _I missed you_ over and over again against Nadia's skin, while they let their coffee get cold.

 

*

They're gone for a week, before the dreams start.

It's a good week. It's the happiest week Lauren's had in five years, the first vacation she's had in even longer. It's seven days of lazy mornings in bed together, punctuated by midafternoon walks around the lake. It's a long stretch of dark, cozy evenings on the couch, Lauren catching up on medical journals while Nadia reads up on five years of world events.

During the days, Lauren watches while Nadia gets used to taking pictures again, and Nadia tries to get Lauren to model for her, calling her beautiful. It's one of their old jokes, something Nadia used to tease her about all the time, before. _Before the curse_ , she forces herself to think, still in the habit of thinking of the last five years as a time when Nadia was _sick_.

It's everything Lauren hoped it would be, for both of them.

Bo doesn't call, and Lauren doesn't call, but after that first week Bo is there with her, all the same. Every night.

It starts off innocently enough. She dreams about a beach, standing by the shore and Bo there, asking her about her vacation. She wakes before morning, and spends a long while staring at the bedroom ceiling, listening to Nadia breathe beside her and trying not to feel guilty.

After that there are others, dozens more, often more than one in a night - she and Bo shopping for shoes, going for drinks at the Dal, stealing a magic carpet from the museum, things that never happened but feel like they could have.

The fourth night, she dreams about Bo in the kitchen at the cottage. She remembers everything in awful, vivid detail when she wakes: Bo's mouth on the back of her neck and her palms rough against Lauren's front, hips bending her forward over the counter. The next day she's so flustered even being in the kitchen that she breaks two mugs and a plate while she's doing the dishes. Nadia makes a pointed offer to take over, and Lauren sits in the next room, willing her shaking hands to still and thinking to herself, _I'm in love with Nadia. I haven't done anything wrong_.

That evening, Nadia pins her to the bed, whispers, _you need to relax, babe_ in a voice that makes Lauren shiver. She falls asleep thinking of dark, curly hair tumbling across her shoulders, and that beautiful smile.

That night, she doesn't dream about Bo.

*

The next night - their last before they go back - is the worst.

She dreams about her bed, back at her apartment in the city. Nadia's with her, and they're curled side by side together, kissing lazily. She never used to be the type, but since Nadia's come back - _now that she's awake_ \- Lauren can't get enough of taking things slowly. She kisses Nadia like they have all the time in the world, memorizing every part of her mouth, the exact shape of her jawline against Lauren's fingertips, everything.

One of Nadia's hands is on her cheek, the other cradled between Lauren's breasts, fingers twined with Lauren's. They're both naked, and Lauren is already wet, aching for her.

It's then that she feels a hand moving across her back, from the center of her spine to her hip. There's the press of a woman's body behind her, naked breasts against her back and one long arm slinging itself across her waist. There's a kiss against her earlobe, tongue running across the sensitive skin just behind her ear. "Do you want me to touch you?" Bo murmurs roughly.

It's a dream. Lauren knows it's a dream, but she's frozen all the same, torn between the _yes, god yes_ she wants to say to Bo and Nadia in front of her.

Nadia stops kissing her. Her eyes slide from Lauren to Bo and back again. "Well, do you?" she asks, smile turning wicked.

Lauren's subconscious never has been subtle.

Nadia walks her fingertips across Lauren's jaw, down the hard line of her sternum and across her belly, raising goosebumps. She trails them lower, across coarse hair and lower still. Lauren is so wet for this that two of Nadia's fingers slip into her easily. Lauren gasps, feels her cheeks go hot with arousal and embarrassment. Nadia's grin widens as she looks over Lauren's shoulder at Bo. "I think she does," she says.

They giggle at each other, and Lauren squirms.

Bo licks her way up the side of Lauren's throat, suckling hard enough to leave marks. Lauren's eyes roll back.

"She's so pretty when you do that," Nadia murmurs conversationally.

"She is. Do you want me to touch you, Lauren?" Her hand slides up, cupping Lauren's breast, and Lauren feels another hand - Nadia's - join it, two separate thumbs strumming across her nipples. "Nadia says you do."

Lauren's stomach does a flip. This can't be happening - this isn't happening - but god, she wants it to. She gasps, " _Yes_."

Nadia's fingers slide out of Lauren, and Bo's slide in to replace them, two and then three matching the buck of Lauren's hips. Bo's fingers inside feel exactly like they did the last time (of course they would, it's her dream), her touch different from what Lauren's used to but exhilarating in its newness.

"Do you love me?" Bo whispers, fingers canting forward until Lauren groans.

Nadia palms her breasts two-handed, now, and leans forward. "I think she does." She presses wet, lazy kisses to Lauren's chest as she speaks. "It's okay if you do, babe."

Lauren's hand comes out to rest on the top of Nadia's head, combing through her hair. She tugs, just a bit too hard, as Bo hits that spot inside her. It's impossibly, wonderfully distracting, but she forces herself to focus. This is important. "It's you," she says, trying to keep her eyes open to look into Nadia's. "I love you."

"Yeah, but do you love _me_?" Bo asks.

Lauren's on the edge of climax, and she starts to arch up, nearly there, when Bo and Nadia both stop. "No, don't -" she starts, before she realizes that they're doing it on purpose.

"Do you love me?" Bo whispers.

Nadia kisses Lauren's cheek, then her mouth. "It's okay," she says, smoothing Lauren's hair against her forehead. "Tell her."

Lauren feels a gentle touch against her cheek, and she turns with it to look at Bo, finally. She's beautiful, eyes shining as she looks at Lauren, like she's the most wonderful thing Bo's ever seen. "Bo," Lauren starts.

Bo shakes her head and quiets Lauren with her mouth. "Do you love me?" she murmurs.

Feeling blooms in Lauren's chest, bright and fluttering. She doesn't want to answer, but Bo is nuzzling her jaw and Nadia is kissing the other side of her throat and Bo's hand is still inside her, keeping her right on the edge.

The answer spills out of her. It feels like giving up as she whispers, "Yes."

Bo's fingers start to move again, and Nadia's mouth finds that spot near her clavicle, and it's not long before she arches up, a name in the back of her throat.

 

She wakes, gasping and overheated. She's disoriented for a moment before she remembers where she is: in the cottage, far away from Bo. In bed with Nadia - who hasn't done a single thing wrong for five years - who's stirring drowsily beside her. Nadia opens her eyes a fraction, looking sleepy but concerned. "What's wrong?" she asks, rubbing her palm across Lauren's sternum, the way she always did - always _does_ \- when Lauren gets upset.

The guilt crawls across Lauren's skin in a wave, until she feels almost sick with it. "Just a dream," she manages, mouth dry. "Go back to sleep, babe."

Nadia rests her head on Lauren's shoulder. Lauren holds her close, clinging tight. She brings her nose down to Nadia's forehead and breathes in the smell of her, waiting - hoping - for that awful feeling to pass. _I'm in love with Nadia. I haven't done anything wrong._ It repeats in her head like a refrain, all true, but she can't stop thinking about the parts she tries to leave out. _I'm also in love with Bo. I'm not sure that being in love with Nadia is enough._


End file.
